Real Men Make The Best Racists

I have been trying to convince Ted to apply for amnesty for human rights abuses. He used to be a racist in the old days, but not any more. These days he respects everybody equally. It’s quite sad, really.

My situation is a little different. I was never a racist during the apartheid years. In fact, I only became one quite recently. But I don’t abuse anyone. Well, no-one outside my immediate family.

Having said that, I think it is important to nurture bigotry because tolerance and acceptance are on the rise everywhere you look.

Discrimination on the grounds of race, politics and religion is all that stands between us and the treacherous world of Sunday morning flea markets and lavender-scented bubble baths.

Studies have shown that men free of prejudice often possess dangerously low sperm counts. That’s why people like Ghandi and Martin Luther King Jnr could only have daughters. The testes are a fickle fruit. They are easily confused by acts of compromise, classical music and courteous behaviour.

But let them go head-to-head with a roomful of angry NP-supporting black Catholic lesbians and it won’t be long before half the neighbourhood is pregnant. Or something.

Xenophobia is good for testosterone.

The British government lost its balls after Margaret Thatcher packed her bag and stormed out of Downing Street. And somewhere between then and now, the immigrant population in London reached crisis levels. The Tories quickly realised that charity and benevolence were no substitute for hatred and fear, and no more can every trigger-happy Kingston coke dealer and Haitian voodoo slut slink through Heathrow and onto the dole.

Look at all the black people in Africa today. With the right immigration policies in place, this need not have happened.

In the United States, successive Republican regimes have encouraged black Americans to get in touch with their African roots. They probably thought forced repatriations would attract too much attention.

A few graduates from the Louis Farrakhan School of Black headed home with high hopes and a Swahili phrase book. Those who weren’t mugged the moment they stepped out of the airport scurried back to the U.S. soon after encountering widespread poverty, violence and unreasonably small portions of fast food.

I am pleased to see that South Africans are beginning to ditch all this touchy-feely nonsense and are reverting to type.

When I heard about vigilante groups sowing healthy discord among the minorities at Stellenbosch University, I rushed to get Clive’s name down. At first the lad wasn’t all that keen, but when I told him about the military-style activities in the hostels, he agreed that it sounded a lot more fun than UCT.

Stellenbosch, after all, moulded the minds of some of this country’s most successful racists. I am not talking about witless zealots like De Wet Kritzinger and Barend Strydom. It is these kind of people who give racism a bad name.

I am talking about real professionals like PW Botha and that other one with the lazy eye.

It is likely that the university has since either changed its lecturers or its curriculum because it no longer seems to produce the same calibre of supremacist. Perhaps they took their cue from the Dutch Reformed Church, but in my book, “oops, sorry” comes across as a little weak.

I just hope the Majuba Internal Alliance can hold on until Clive gets there. He already has a balaclava and next week I will be teaching him how to drink heavily and wield a baseball bat at the same time.

The boy says he is interested in studying conflict resolution but I’ll knock that idea out of him in no time at all.

What I would like to do is take him to meet a local doctor by the name of Lilian Dudley. What a role model! She is taking the City of Cape Town to the Labour Court because she wasn’t given the job of health director. Instead, it went to a white man.

Lilian insists that the position is hers because she is a) black and b) a woman. This is the kind of unqualified racism and sexism I am trying to instil in my son. It is explicit and pure, as discrimination should be.

Personally, I think Lilian should set her sights higher. This is, after all, a job at the municipality. Since she already holds the immoral high ground I think she should go for something really big – like Armscor or Anglo-American.

Unfortunately, South Africa is simply not ready to allow a black woman access to powerful weapons and unlimited cash. They’ve only just started learning to drive.

Give it time, Lilian.


13 May 2003


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