An Open Letter to Mitt Romney – Republican Party nominee for President of the USA

My darling Mitt,

LOL! Just kidding. I’m straight.

But I do think you’re awesome. Your hair is awesome. Your teeth are awesome. Even your name is awesome. Mitt.

Being named after a baseball glove is about as American as you can get. I bet your father was a real red-blooded patriot who tossed a baseball to you right there in the delivery room. It’s no shame that you caught it with your head. A lot of newborn babies far less awesome than you would have struggled to get a hand to it.

You gave me a terrible fright the other day when you introduced your running mate by saying: “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next president of the United States.”

You needn’t feel stupid. All the great men of history have made silly mistakes in speeches. Look at Martin Luther King Jnr. When he stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and said, “I have a bream …” everyone thought he was talking about a recent fishing trip.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings about your man Paul Ryan. My mother always told me you can’t trust a man with two first names. Look at John “the Pope” Paul, Bruce “Batman” Wayne, Lee “Harvey” Oswald, Ray “what step” Charles, Paul “Ladysmith Black Mambazo who?” Simon, Woody “almost incest” Allen, Cliff “facelift” Richard, Elton “backdoor” John and, the most evil of all, the Black Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger Zack Taylor, although Taylor isn’t strictly a first name but there is Taylor Swift and country music is the work of the devil.

However, I did see a photo of Paul Ryan which went a long way towards redeeming him in my mind. He was courageously kneeling alongside a vicious-looking elk. If the brute hadn’t had a heavy-caliber bullet embedded in its skull, it would have had Ryan’s throat, make no mistake about it. And what a loss to the world that would have been.

I hope you are also a hunter, Mitt. This is one of the problems I have with Barack Obama (apart from his being black). The man is not a natural born killer.

With the exception of Osama bin Laden, who has he killed? Okay, apart from bin Laden and several thousand people in Afghanistan and Iraq, who has he killed? Nobody, that’s who. If it were up to Obama, none of us would have guns and we’d all wake up dead in the morning.

I hear Ryan Paul also fancies himself as a bit of a Robin Hood. I don’t mean robbing the poor to give to the rich. That goes with being a Republican. I’m talking about clearing the forests of unsightly animals.

Kudos to him, then, for teaching his nine-year-old daughter, Liza, the fine art of hunting deer with a bow and arrow. Who killed Bambi? You did, sweetheart. Good shot. Here’s $5000. Go buy yourself some shares in Bain Capital.

With you hailing from Michigan and Ryan from Wisconsin, come November we gonna git ourselves a couple of good ol’ boys in the White House. And it doesn’t even matter that he’s not a moron, I beg your pardon, Mormon, like you.

The important thing is that he’s a believer.

For too long the Oval Office has been in the hands of a cabal of godless Muslim sympathisers with links to the Hawaiian sugar mafia, the Indonesian underground and the Mau-Mau in Kenya.

I see Paul Ryan is married to a tax attorney. Smart move. It means he can shoot his own loopholes in the tax laws and get away with murder, and by murder I mean tax evasion. Just wanted to be clear on that in case you thought I was suggesting your wing man was a homicidal maniac.

I am also glad to see he is against same-sex marriages.

Once gay couples start being happier than normal married folk, you might as well kiss the American dream goodbye. It’s a bit worrying, though, that he comes from a swing district, but I suppose there’s no harm in it if both couples are consenting heterosexuals.

Ryan Paul is also in favour of concealed weapons and faster background checks on people wanting to buy guns. This is great news. Drop off the kids, pick up a bucket of bullets and an AK-47 and you’re in the bar by 10am.

This way, people in schools, cinemas and malls can be wiped out in even greater numbers. It’s certainly a more righteous method of population control than, say, abortion.

Go pro-life!

I like what he wants to do with health care for the elderly and the poor. What was it again? It had something to do with slashing the food stamp and Medicaid budgets and sending mobile clinics into the inner cities. The idea is that the vans will slow down as they drive through the ‘hood. If you can keep up, you can get the meds. If not, tough.

Survival of the fittest. Also the richest. It’s Darwinism, Republican style. Got to love it!

Paul Ryan’s a bit of a gym bunny though, isn’t he? What’s that about? He’s a politician, not an athlete. Does he know that “running for office” is not meant to be taken literally? Last year, congressional staffers voted him “biggest gym rat”. Could be worse, I suppose. My colleagues once voted me “biggest gin rat”.

By the way, I don’t think you should call him your running mate. The word “mate” has sexual connotations and, well, you’re both men. Elohim would be displeased with that kind of talk. In future please refer to him as your running buddy.

Watch out for this one, Mitt. Ryan Paul is a frisky young buck and he will be wanting to out-awesome you at every turn. As the campaign heats up and his loins grow enflamed with the arousing scent of power, he might put a little more than a white-tailed deer in his sights.

A last word of warning. In 1978, after 125 years, the curse of Cain was lifted and black people were allowed to become priests in the Mormon church. How’s that working out for you? Keep an eye on the collection plate, my friend. I live in Africa. I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway. Time for a double Mainstay on the rocks. I call it the curse of cane.

Love to Rafalca and the kids.

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7 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Mitt Romney – Republican Party nominee for President of the USA

  1. Rated your column very poor by mistake because I thought you were supposed to start ticking all the little stars from left to right. Sorry! It is brilliant!

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