Day: June 3, 2013

To Monsanto – Research & Development Opportunities

Dear Sir or Madam,

I understand that you have “research and development opportunities” within your magnificent company and, quite frankly, you would be a fool not to hire me.

Your website says you are an agricultural company that applies “innovation and technology to help farmers around the world be successful, produce healthier foods, better animal feeds and more fiber …”. says: “Monsanto has recently begun to unleash the most dangerous threat to the health of world population – genetically-engineered foods.”

What is wrong with these people? Are they jealous that you are designing giant indestructible, self-watering, talking tomatoes and making a gazillion dollars a minute while all they are doing is sitting around smoking dope and whining? Don’t let it get to you. I think you are doing a splendid job.

Your advertisement says you are looking for people to work on your Water Efficient Maize for Africa Project. I am particularly interested in the bit where you talk about developing “improved drought tolerant maize inbred lines utilizing the latest in breeding technologies”.

Although I am not qualified in the strictest academic sense of the word, I am a keen dabbler in biotechnology and I am full of ideas that will make your company even wealthier. Here’s just one of them.

Forget the maize. Maize has never won anybody the Nobel Prize. But listen to this. Have you thought about adapting breeding technologies to develop a line of inbred Africans with improved drought tolerance? No? Well, that’s why you need me. I have drawn a rough sketch of what I imagine these camel-like people would look like, but I am reluctant to include it for fear that you will steal my idea.

If I do not hear from you by June 10, I will assume that I have the job and I shall report for duty before the end of the week.

Forget Frankenfoods. Africa needs Frankenpeople!

Yours sincerely,

Ben Trovato