Application to Transnet Freight Rail for the position of Apprentice Welder

Dear Meneer,

I have been looking for work but nobody wants to hire me. I think the problem, apart from being white, is that I am setting my sights too high. But who wants to be a brain surgeon, anyway? Pompous old pederasts poncing about in white coats. They should grow up. Welding cracked railway tracks is far more fun than welding ganglions in some loser’s cracked brain.

Your advert says applicants must have matric maths and science. I expect that all your train drivers have degrees from Yale. I am a Harvard man, myself. We have certainly come a long way since the days when working for the railways was first choice for anyone who had been dropped on their heads as a baby.

Your ad says I will have to manage equipment and fix battered rail ends. No problem. But you also say I will have to ‘repair skid marks’. I need clarity on this. Are you referring to train lines or my supervisor’s underwear? I agree there are times when only an oxyacetylene torch can get rid of the most stubborn stains, but then I would want some sort of danger pay factored into my salary.

You mention that I would be required to assemble ‘flashbutt joints’. I suppose, after a lunchtime spent deconstructing Descartes’ dictums with the wheel tappers, your welders would need to unwind. But joints – flashbutt or otherwise – are a little gay in my opinion. When I come for the interview, I will bring my Hong Kong bong along and show you how the workers can relax without wasting half their break looking for the Rizlas.

You also say that visual acuity and psychomotor abilities are essential. I don’t mean to be rude, but you risk confusing applicants who might still be working towards their doctorates in developmental neurobiology. What you really mean is that you are looking for someone who doesn’t need the help of a Labrador in finding his way to the bathroom and back, and who can follow a conversation while simultaneously lowering the tinted visor of his welding helmet.

Other requirements are physical fitness, balance and agility. Are you looking for a trapeze artist or a welder? I may have to reconsider if the job involves working on top of fast-moving trains and then leaping onto other trains speeding in the opposite direction. Similarly, the prospect of racing to finish a job before the 8.45 from Kapteinsklip slices me in half leaves me less than enchanted.

If I am unsuitable for the position, please consider me for the post of trainee shed assistant. I would love to work long and irregular hours for a transport company that openly admits it cannot provide transport for its staff.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Ben Trovato (PhD Welding)

PS. I would like to be based in Kroonstad among the cream of Transnet’s intelligentsia.

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17 thoughts on “Application to Transnet Freight Rail for the position of Apprentice Welder

  1. Well said I feel worse disappointed since working my a*#s off producing and processing huge amounts of production for a trainee and still not acknowledged for my contribution. Where they did not even have the decency to procure people for work well done instead only getting a stipend for getting up 3am travelling from johannesburg to pretoria and getting home 8pm repeating the process without a thank you dis casted me that our government is use in helping unemployed youth.

  2. Im looking for job of being welder i do have welding certificate i’v obtain in ZCBF COLLEG so i’l like to be the part of transnert membars i can put my plesure on it or try to do in-service in that company.

  3. I am looking for apprenticeship for train assistant,hardworker,self motivate,learning fast,able to work with a team also able to work independently, pls help my number is :0835584771

  4. I really want to be a train/truck driver i have cade10+pdp .i can consantrate for long hours. I dedicate myself to what I doing I hardworker and responsibleone .always bringing safty to everyone .take care for each other . My no.0730371261

  5. Hello Sir/madam

    I am unemployment youth with assistant welding qualifications.So i am asking for a job it’s a thing than i like so i can work hard on it.Thank you

    from:Booysen Andrew

  6. Hello Sir/madam

    I am unemployment youth with assistant welding qualifications i’ve obtained it at Nthuseng Training Centre,course Duration 7weeks.prev.Lecture Mr Raymond Coetzee.So i am asking for a job it’s a thing than i like so i can work harder on it.Thank you

    from:Booysen Andrew

  7. Please i need a job i’m a welder i hv a certificate from Merseta nd did a traning under Transnet capital project for 4months i’m in durban with little expirienc i have i would be delited to work for transnet as a semi skill atlist

  8. i left college december 2007 with an n4 and i am keen to work as an semi-skilled mechanical fitter. i would be most grateful if you could consider me for any vacancies that may rise in your company.

    by getting an opportunity to be an semi-skilled mechanical fitter or diesel mechanical will be open.

    i am keen to be reliable artisan with safety and quality consiouse through thoroughly training. i m available for any interview any time and can be contact at 072 0904661 or 078 661 0412

  9. i am a welder
    i have worked for more than 10 years i need a job but i did not go to college but i am a hard worker

  10. My son was at a skill school doing welding and would love to work at Transnet and do further training at the Transnet welding school

  11. Im Ntathu Mtshali a male from vryheid who is inneed of
    a job at transnet as a civil engineer
    (Carpentry) im willing to be a traineer I can be
    utilised I have level 2 civil engineer qualification
    and im a matriculant.

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