How To Make A Woman Fall In Love With You
(Without losing your self-respect, individuality and personal freedom)
Unlike car keys, Love can never be lost forever. Like its duplicitous sister, Trust, it can only be misplaced. The only difference is that a late-night altercation with Trust can leave you with incisions that do not always heal in a straight line, while going ten rounds with Love can leave you with raw, jagged wounds that never heal at all.
I know people who would not think twice about choosing death over love. That’s right. People who would rather die than fall in love again.
One of my neighbour’s cousin’s best friends, Simon, first fell in love when he was fourteen. He is now forty-six with three ex-wives and a long line of girlfriends who would pay good money to see him chemically castrated on stage at the Bellville Velodrome. Three months ago, Simon left his 9mm Parabellum in my neighbour’s care, along with explicit instructions to shoot him down like a mad dog should he ever show signs of falling in love again. My neighbour says he would feel compelled to carry out this mercy killing.
Anybody who has ever had to listen to a friend whose heart has been ripped out and stamped upon will know what I am talking about. Women perhaps more than men. There can be few things more depressing than waking up in the morning to find Lucy with her tear-stained face squashed up against the front window trying to see if you are inside so she can ruin your day by going on and on about that Craig bastard until you can take it no longer and excuse yourself so that you can take a shower just to wash the catharsis off.
Fronzi is an Italian half-caste friend of the family who has been in and out of love more times than I care to mention. He has an active social life, two semi-active cats and a loose circle of mostly inactive friends.
His passion is getting women to fall in love with him. And he is very good at it for the simple reason that he has learnt one important lesson. Be honest. Not with the women, of course. The ability to lie with integrity is an essential tool in the business of making a woman fall in love with you. Instead, he is honest with himself. Once he has got a woman to fall in love with him, he will confront himself and ask the question: “Do I love this woman?” The answer varies but the course of action is always the same. But more on this later.
Gather around, boys and girls, because we are about to start the 12-step programme on how to make a woman fall in love with you. Actually, girls, you might want to sit this one out.
Step 1 – Who are you
I do not mean this literally. If you have ever had to refer to your driver’s licence to verify your identification for your own peace of mind, this book is not for you. If you are searching for something to justify your life on any kind of existential plane whatsoever, then it is best that you take out a couple of magazine subscriptions. One to Cosmopolitan and another to GQ should do it. Perhaps throw in Barely Legal to be sure that you get all the answers you need. Good luck. I hope you find yourself.
What I mean is what kind of person are you? Love, like drugs and strong liquor, affects people in different ways. You have to be strong to cope with love. I do not want to be held responsible for any emotional drownings. I have enough trouble on my hands, as it is. Like Africa, love is not for pussies. Do not come to me later with your thin-lipped lawyer whining about damages. I will destroy you. Now, back to love.
More than ever before, men want to know how to make a woman fall in love with them. The reasons for this are complex and often very disturbing.
The truth is that men have grown increasingly insecure in the face of the total female onslaught. Everywhere around them they see women no longer bothering to suppress their superiority. The archetypical helpless female is not only showing that she can change a fan belt, but she has had it studded with pop rivets and is now wearing it as a choker. She changes tyres as smoothly as she changes men. She snarls when doors are opened for her and smiles when she is dumped. And in the face of this unprecedented reversal of fortunes, men have no choice but to turn to the very source of their pain and confusion for solace. Well, they do have a choice but it is too horrible to consider. None of it makes any sense. And yet it all makes perfect sense.
Right from the outset it is important to ascertain one thing. Are you gay? If so, you may find this section to be less than helpful. Unless you are a lesbian, of course, in which case everything still applies. Simply switch all the boy names for girl names. And everyone thinks same-sex relationships have to be complicated.
If you are not sure of your sexuality, I suggest you follow the aforementioned Magazine Method to determine what you are. Subscribe to Playboy and Playgirl. All will become clear the moment you find yourself reaching for one more frequently than the other. It really is that simple, and a whole lot cheaper than all those electro-convulsive treatments you have been having.
Next, are you absolutely certain that this is what you want? Having a woman fall in love with you is not a matter to be trifled with. It is damn serious, for all concerned. If you are unsure it is love you are feeling, go somewhere quiet where you can be alone with your thoughts. A deserted beach is fine. Once you have made sure there are no muggers around, close your eyes and think about the object of your desire. If you find yourself reaching into your trousers before you have even got the colour of her eyes pinned down, then it is most probably lust that you are feeling. But do not worry. Lust is good. Lust is as essential to love as the black ball is to a game of pool.
However, if you find yourself thinking about the way her hair blows in the wind or the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs or anything else that makes you want to write bad poetry, then it may very well be love that you are feeling. Unless, of course, you have just ingested a gram of methylenedioxymethamphetamine and are suffused with an overpowering empathy for animals, cars, rocks, trees, the universe and so on. In which case, straighten out and try again later.
We might be jumping the gun a bit here. First you have to physically identify the woman you wish to fall in love with you. It is important that you select a real woman. Altogether too many men these days fall in love with unattainable women like Lara Croft and her digitally enhanced counterpart, Angelina Jolie.
The problem here is obvious. The object of your desire has never set eyes on you. You saw her for the first time in a nightclub or in the second-hand bookshop. In the 7-11 or the doctor’s waiting room. You caught a glimpse of her in the back window of a passing taxi. Tanning topless at Llandudno. In the autobank queue. Waiting for the elevator. Buying a newspaper on a street corner. You looked up and there she was. Then she wasn’t. But in that instant, you fell in love. And this is where we start.
To be continued …