Step 9 – Your first fight
Studies have shown that alcohol is a valuable and yet hugely underrated catalyst in opening up channels of communication between couples who have grown apart. Do not be afraid to use it. At the same time, try to avoid drinking and fighting at the same time. I have seen many a fine carpet ruined by mock charges and spontaneous arm-flailing.
If you want to give her a piece of your mind, or any other part of your body for that matter, put your drink down first. Keep one eye on it at all times. I have known women who can, through an incredibly fast sleight of hand – faster than the male eye can see – make a tumbler of whiskey disappear and re-appear days later covered in ants at the bottom of the garden. Keep the other eye on your adversary.
Even though you have agreed only to fight with words of many syllables, women are duplicitous in times of emotional stress. Fight with her at the wrong time of the month, and the next thing you know, she’s thrown the cat at your head.
It is also important that you and your partner match your drinks. In other words, if you are planning a fight it’s no good if you are guzzling cheap brandy while she sips on a glass of watered-down white wine. Either you both go light or you both go heavy. Drunk people hate arguing with sober people just as much as sober people hate arguing with drunk people. And it does no good for both of you to be sober, either, because in this situation women have a 99% strike rate.
After a bout of domestic insurgency, it is always advisable to get straight into make-up sex. If nobody has won the argument, race each other to orgasm. You might want to spice things up by putting a little money on it.
Step 10 – Her first lesbian affair (it’s not about the dyke)
Studies undertaken by the Japanese have shown that your beloved is going to have, or already has had, an intimate experience with another woman. Your first instinct will be rage. You will then move quickly through denial, bargaining and threatening until you reach the final stage which involves you spending long hours with your head in your hands wondering how you can get in on the action without coming across as a degenerate pervert.
Heterosexual women stray for many reasons, none of which men are capable of grasping. While I appreciate that the penis is an unlovely animal at the best of times, it still remains one of the single biggest reasons for women to be attracted to men.
Research done by the North Koreans to counter what they described as imperialist Japanese propaganda demonstrates conclusively that men would want nothing to do with women if they did not come equipped with such accommodating bits and pieces. I can only assume the reverse applies equally. None of which helps to explain why your girl’s eyes have glazed over while she watches two topless Swedish backpackers rubbing one another with suntan oil at the municipal swimming pool.
The naked female form is a beautiful sight to behold. Unless, of course, it is covered in yellow bruises, gelatinous rolls of blubber and clumps of spiky black hair. So I can understand why women would find other women sexually attractive. Their bodies are far more appealing than ours. Well, mine, anyway.
The important thing is to relax. The odds are that your girl is merely dabbling. She is, in professional terms, a Lipstick Lesbian. Her fling will probably not last, but while it does there is a very good chance that you will meet her partner in crime. It is very likely that this one is the genuine article. Like all predators, real lesbians love fresh meat. But even though you may feel resentment and jealousy bubbling to the surface, it is vital that you remain calm and not let on that you know what is going on. It’s not about the dyke. It’s about your girl getting something out of her system, whether she is satisfying plain old curiosity or something a little more primal. Either way, let her ride it out.
Step 11 – Your first affair
There is no point in you shaking your head and thinking, “An affair? Me? Never, as long as I live, so help me …” Be honest, now. Before you could even finish the sentence your eyes had strayed from the page and onto the passing buttocks of a fine young thing. This is quite natural.
When deciding to have your first affair, there are certain vital factors to take into consideration. First of all, is there enough petrol in the car? The last thing you want is to run out of juice as you leave her place. So before embarking on an affair, make sure the tank is full. Some researchers, mainly from the former Eastern bloc, take the line that your motivation is important when choosing whether or not to be unfaithful to your partner. This is not true and provides a clear indication of why communism was such an abysmal failure in that part of the world.
A surprising number of men (100%) frequently think about having sex with women other than the ones they are with. Oddly, only 10.4% ever act on these thoughts. However, independent studies done in Malta have shown that men are congenital liars. And since most research teams are headed by men, it is quite possible that this figure could in fact be as high as 78%.
It often happens that when a man decides to be unfaithful to his partner, it is not a decision at all. Rather, it is the decision of the brazen hussy who has been making moon eyes at him for the last month. Men do not enter into affairs lightly. For a start, they are easily confused. There is an awful lot to remember when pursuing an illicit liaison. Directions, dates, times, cover stories, deodorant. The list is endless. And as I might have mentioned, men are by nature indecisive when it comes to matters of the heart. They want a bit of this and a bit of that. And sometimes a bit of the other thing, too. This is why it is invariably the woman with whom he is having the affair who ends up boiling the bunny.
Ultimately, there is only one thing you have to worry about when embarking on an extracurricular activity – getting caught. A former male supermodel I once met has the words “Never Underestimate The Power Of Denial” tattooed down his inner arm. At the time I thought this was a rather strange thing to do, but it makes perfect sense when applied to the pursuit of forbidden fruit. Never admit anything. If she comes home early and finds you and Brigitte rolling around on the carpet wearing nothing but World War II gas masks and one another’s underwear, there is only one thing you can say: “Honey, it’s not what it looks like.”
To be continued …