Guide to Everything – Part 2 Section A

 

Section A Unit 4

 

At some point, if you want a man badly enough, you will have to engage him in conversation. Remember that, compared to you, a man is considerably less impressed by the first words. A man will not remember what you are wearing when you come up to him in a bar or restaurant or on the beach or in the parking lot of the magistrate’s court. Ask him to repeat your first words ten minutes after meeting him and he will scratch his head (actually, it’s more likely that he will scratch his crotch), and say, “Didn’t I make the first move?”

And while a woman approached by a man will make lightning-fast calculations based on body language, clothing, facial hair and shoes to determine her response, a man will react on a far more visceral level by watching her face.

This is why it is so important for you to make sure your face is doing the right things when you go up to a man with the express intention of getting him to fall in love with you.

A friend’s niece, Sandy, was telling me the other day how she had sidled up to a bronzed slab of man lying on the beach at Camps Bay and asked him for the time. She said he sat up and looked terribly guilty. He apologised profusely before hanging his head in shame and digging his toes into the sand. She reached out to touch him lightly on the shoulder as a way of thanking him for his trouble, but he recoiled as if she were about to strike him. I tried to make light of it and said that he was obviously batting for the other side, but it is far more likely that Sandy was wearing her Scary Face when she spoke to him. Sandy thinks she might have forgotten to change her face after the incident with the Joburg driver.

Men are extremely sensitive to what a woman’s face is doing when it is pointed towards them. For centuries, men have been trying to fathom out “the look”.

The ability of a woman to use her eyebrows and the corners of her mouth in such an infinite number of combinations to express such an endless range of emotions remains one of the most enduring mysteries of evolution. In terms of guerrilla warfare, a woman’s face is the tripwire and her voice the splinter grenade.

You need not even worry about matching your face to your words. Go up to a man in a bar and say, “You remind me of a lizard in a leather coat”, but say it in a low purr with a mysterious smile and one eyebrow raised. Guaranteed, he will wag his tail and lick your hand.

 

Chapter 2 Verse 11

 

Once he has swallowed your hook all you have to do is reel him in. But do not dawdle because the waters are full of meat-eaters who will try to nibble at your catch. Women find men with other women very attractive. It is almost as if by having a partner they acquire some kind of secret stamp of approval.

The first date is when you will start getting to know what type of man he is. A lot of men would rather you skip this part and go straight to bed.

In the minds of modern men, courting is an outdated and expensively circuitous route to a destination that you are both likely to arrive at regardless of how much time and money is wasted on the exercise.

Unhappily for modern men, the minds of modern women have not developed along similar lines. They want the whole deal. Flowers (not from the garage), phone calls (plenty), late-night text messages (romantic), movies (sexy), more flowers (not from the garage), dinner (expensive) and so on.

You may be one of those women with a less traditional approach, in which case skip this chapter and proceed straight to Sub-Section 23c. However, the odds are that you are a sloppy romantic. This is an essentially feminine trait, although more and more men can be found surreptitiously sniffing flowers and crying in the movies. Hopefully you will not want one of these men to fall in love with you. Believe me, it starts with the flowers and ends with the gold lamè bodysuit and feathered mask at the pride parade.

Determining where you go on your first date will largely be dictated by the type of man he is. Don’t be influenced by your addiction to sucking on oysters and quaffing fine champagne. Let him decide on the restaurant. But before you get to this point, it is important to ascertain certain things.

 

Book IV 2nd Floor

Certain Important Things To Ascertain

 

Gender

You may think this is a no-brainer but I can assure you that there is many a slip twixt gangplank and ship. I live in Cape Town, the African equivalent of San Francisco with fewer steep hills but just as many cross-dressing deviants and a whole pack of dangerous goat-like creatures that are taking over Table Mountain.

The stories I have heard are frightening. Lucy, a good-looking brunette friend of some guy with a beard that I met briefly on the corner of Main and Beach, was taken out on a first date by a tall, good-looking pastor with the eyes of a poet and the hands of a steelworker. Perfect, she thought, and went on to have a romantic dinner where the sparkling conversation and fine wine flowed freely.

By the time Lucy kissed him goodnight at her front door (she’s very old-fashioned), she was well on her way to falling in love. That was until she accidentally brushed her hand across his crotch and there was nothing there. Nothing at all, she said, not even the slightest hint of convexity. In the absence of tumescence, Lucy fled into her building. I asked her if he was not perhaps possessed of a very small willy, as some Catholic men are, but she laughed harshly and said he was clearly a she out for a walk on the wild side. I have no reason not to believe her. So be careful. There’s a lot of dog-collar fraud out there.

Breeding

Women are more inclined towards genetic snobbery than men. They expect their males to have a certain pedigree. If they had the self-restraint of men, they would publicly feel our biceps and peel our lips back to check our teeth. Even women of dubious bloodlines look for men of good stock. It is all about wanting to have children that do not grow up into thieving, murdering bastards. South African women have a particularly low strike rate in this department.

Race

There is so much interracial fraternisation going on these days that it is becoming increasingly difficult to gauge a man’s race with any real certainty. I am not saying this is a good thing or a bad thing. It is just a thing.

The waters have been further muddied by black people using skin-lighteners and white people using tanning beds.

If you have met a man and you want to know which race he belongs to before you go on a first date, I suggest you pick a fight with him and then take some of his hair or skin from under your fingernails to a biologist and ask for a DNA test. This may be quite costly but at least you will be spared the surprise of finding out that your first child is the colour of an Easter egg. Or even the Easter Bunny, for that matter.

Marital status

Another tricky area. It is not uncommon for men to slip their engagement or wedding rings into their pockets when they are out on the town. This is a despicable habit heavy with symbolism that far outweighs the simplicity of the act. And yet, why should you care? If this is the man who you want to fall in love with you, it doesn’t matter how many wives he has. Deal with them later. But if you were brought up by jackals in the middle of the Kalahari Desert and are meeting men for the first time, you will probably be concerned about these things.

In this case, check his finger for the telltale white band left by a freshly removed ring. But don’t jump to conclusions. It may be that he is recently divorced. Ask him. Asking doesn’t hurt. In this case, however, asking should hurt. Whatever he says, keep telling him that he is lying. If he really is married, it won’t be long before he cracks under pressure and tells the truth. Even if he is not married, he will admit to lying about something else, if only to stop the questions.

Now that you have broken him down, you can start building him up again. This time, according to your blueprint. However, it may be that you are simply toying with him. This is acceptable sport for a Friday night but should not become a habit. Men can only take so much badgering before they go gay or go away.

Religion

Having counseled thousands of troubled couples over the past three weeks that I have been in the self-help business, I have to say that more and more women are looking for men who are completely without religion. They find it only gets in the way of good, guilt-free sex as god meant it to be.

Creed

I don’t know what this means, but some people find it important. If you are one of them, I suggest you keep it to yourself. Nobody like a smartarse.

Nationality

This is only important if you discover that the man you have your eye on is an Afghan on the run from Guantanamo Bay. Even though you are drowning helplessly in his big brown eyes, you do not want your name on any list that is being circulated inside the Pentagon. Stay well clear of men who are more interested in your passport than your pussy.

Sexual orientation

You are looking for a well-rounded man who knows what he is and what he wants. You do not want someone who has never made it out of the psycho-anal stage of his development. Nor do you want someone who would rather watch television than watch you strip. Be careful of any man who remarks on your shoes and hums Black Sabbath’s Changes (“I’m going through changes…”).

 

To be continued …

3 thoughts on “Guide to Everything – Part 2 Section A

  1. This man is getting more insane by the day!!! Ndinzwireiwo…I sent you a link to Subscribe directly so that you do not miss out on any Posts…

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    1. I agree with you Gina … the madder BT gets, the more my stomach hurts from laughing. I suspect, however, that he is getting under the skin of quite a few of our ardent feminists with his posts! 🙂

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