Bring on the tokoloshe

Limpopo is one of those provinces where people believe that sleeping with a vulture’s head in your bed can make you see into the future. You can pick up a head for around R600 from your local muti merchant. That’s not a bad investment considering how much money you can win on the Lotto after the decapitated scavenger pops Wednesday’s numbers into your brain at 3am.

I slept with a chicken once and experienced some kind of epiphany. It wasn’t pretty and I don’t want to talk about it.

It makes sense, then, that President Zuma would choose Limpopo to play on the superstitions of the local yokels in an attempt to scare them into voting for the ANC.

Speaking at the 33rd Presbyterian Synod in the glittering gem of Giyani a week ago, he told the wide-eyed flock that God had made a connection between the government and the church and that people should therefore pray for the government.

By pray, he meant vote.

I am not sure if Zuma received first-hand confirmation of this bilateral agreement or whether he got tipped off by an intelligence source tapping the divine grapevine. Either way, once you have a leader who thinks he is ruling with a mandate from above, it’s best to keep a bag packed and your passport handy.

Comrade pastor Zuma also suggested that people who failed to respect the country’s leaders would be cursed. These are dangerous words in a province where a woman dare not publicly badmouth a neighbour for fear that he falls ill the next day. It’s the quickest way to get a visit from the local witch-burner.

As we approach elections, I anticipate that the ruling party will find many interesting new ways of terrifying the electorate into voting for them. It wouldn’t surprise me if, for instance, the Tokoloshe made a comeback. This naughty little imp seems relatively harmless compared with today’s gangs of marauding panga-wielding maniacs who will chew your fingers off and iron your face just for the hell of it.

With a bit of creative input from the department of electoral landslides, I’m fairly certain we can expect an appearance by Election Tokoloshe in the next couple of months. This supernatural scoundrel will wreak all manner of mayhem in your home if you dare say anything positive about the opposition. He can read your thoughts, too, so don’t even think about voting for the DA, EFF, Agang or any other interloper who thinks they can do better than the ruling party.

And you can forget about putting your bed on bricks. The only way to keep yourself safe from Election Tokoloshe is to carry an ANC membership card with you at all times. And remember ­­– Election Tokoloshe is invisible. Just because you don’t see him in the voting booth doesn’t mean he isn’t there.

The ministries will, in due course, follow the lead of the president and announce the spells, curses and incantations to be cast, invoked and chanted so that all may enjoy five more prosperous years. And by all, I mean ministers and their friends and families.

I have some predictions of my own.

The ministry of economic affairs will call on citizens to boil two western leopard toads and a fruit bat at midnight on a full moon, then stand on their heads and sing the national anthem backwards. Failure to do this will see the country’s economic situation worsen and you will be to blame.

To improve your personal economic situation, you will need to spit on your hands three times and rub the ash from a seven-day-old snoek braai in your hair. Then emigrate.

The ministry of basic education will ask voters to pour the blood of a freshly slaughtered riverine rabbit into a gilded chalice and, while a lesbian dwarf recites the Freedom Charter, drink it at sunrise on the morning after the election results have been announced. This will guarantee a 100 percent pass rate for the matric class of 2014. Don’t fail another generation, people.

The ministry of police will call on every bisexual man, woman and child to crush and snort the spine of a Knysna seahorse if it rains on election day. This will take care of the crime problem. So if you are serious about eradicating crime, keep a seahorse handy and pray for rain. And don’t think you can get away with snorting something else. It has to be a seahorse. From Knysna.

I could go on, but I won’t.

Of course, none of this will work if you vote for a party other than the ANC. It would be like expecting to have a happy afterlife if your prophet were someone other than Jesus. Quite ridiculous.

Meanwhile, word on the street is that the ANC has booked God to ensure a resounding victory at the polls. However, because an election date has not yet been set, it remains a provisional booking for now. This could backfire, especially if it turns out that the Springboks are playing on the day. God has a long-term contract with Bryan Habana and it seems unlikely that he will break it just to keep the ANC happy.

 

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