Horrorscope 2014

Aries

2014 is going to be a dreadful year for you. If you have given up drinking, take it up again. Let yourself go. Start smoking. Dabble in soft drugs if the urge takes you. Life is short, but yours is shorter than most. A relationship will blow up in your face. Wear a Kevlar helmet when going on dates. You will come to a fork in the road. Go straight.

Taurus

This year you need to spend more time at home with your wife. If that is absolutely out of the question, then spend more time with someone else’s wife. The important thing is that you re-learn how to bond with the opposite sex. Too much sport has meant too much time in the company of men. You need to find out how the other half live. Or better yet, where they live.

Gemini

There will be an unexpected financial windfall towards the middle of the year. Having a generous nature, you will spread it around and make many people happy. When you return from a round-the-world holiday, you will discover that a mistake has been made and the money was never yours to start with. Parole will be granted in 2019.

Cancer

A genetic time bomb will detonate deep in your brain early on in the year. You may find it difficult to function in the real world after this, and there is a good chance that you will lose your job, your spouse and your home. You will erect a bivouac in an isolated wooded area and live off moles and rainwater until you are taken away to a place of safety.

Leo

Nothing important will happen to you in the coming year. Life will be even more meaningless and empty than it was the previous year. You are unlikely to meet any interesting people or visit any exciting places. Your only sexual experience in 2014 will result in a case of thrush. This will be the high point of your year.

Virgo

2014 is the Year of the Horse. There will be unexpected adventures and unusual romances, many of them involving horses. Be careful of ponies who lie about their age. It will also be a good year to sell things. If you have nothing, sell your body. If your goals seem out of reach, reach for something closer. Like a beer.

Libra

A new romance will blossom in the first quarter of the year. Although these amorous goings-on will be rewarding, the relationship will ultimately prove to be a costly one – around R600 an hour. You will run out of money in the second quarter. Expect to spend the rest of the year suffering from an advanced case of Mrs Palmer’s rash.

Scorpio

As always, you are quick to dish out advice and criticism in equal measure. Be prepared to meet your match. A woman with a bigger sting in her tail than you will join your club. She will be violently beautiful and your buddies will ditch you to play mixed doubles with her on Wednesdays. Your attempts to impress her will result in charges of sexual harassment.

Sagittarius

You will need to combine your athletic ambitions with a healthy dose of reality. Learn to live with your gut. Short of it being sucked out of you, it is going nowhere. Walking briskly from the lounge to the kitchen is going to do nothing but weaken your heart. Not even industrial drain cleaner injected intravenously is going to unclog those arteries. Worrying about your cholesterol levels will kill you quicker than the cholesterol. Eat more fried food.

Capricorn

You will suffer blunt trauma to the head and start your own political party. You secretly travel to Cuba for lessons in revolutionary dancing. Returning to South Africa, drunk on socialism and Havana Club, you combine the salsa with the toyi-toyi and, with throaty cries of “Aluta awethu!” and “Amandla continua!”, you win the election and become president. You are assassinated the next day.

Aquarius

Water makes a prominent appearance in your life this year. If you are a golfer, water hazards will claim many balls from you. You will also have a near-drowning experience. A urophile hiding in a tree wees on your head while you are out for a walk. If you live near a river, your home will be flooded. You will develop water on the brain.

Pisces

There will be an unexpected pregnancy in the family and the child shall be named Firepool. There will be opportunities to expand your mind. If you don’t have one, there will be opportunities to expand other things. Like your waistline. Laughter and tears will come easily. You may be bipolar.

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