An open letter to Steve Hofmeyr

Howzit boet,

It’s good to see you and Sunette Bridges getting involved in this statue business. The revolution needs white people who can sing. It will keep our morale up while we form a laager with our station wagons. Or drink lager at our wagon stations. Bear with me. I’m new to this.

But how about that Sunette, hey? Phwoar. I wouldn’t mind if she chained herself to me. Fifty shades of khaki or what. I don’t know why you haven’t made a baby with her yet. When it comes to creating the perfect Aryan progeny, you and her would put Dr Josef Mengele’s best efforts to shame.

Why are these black okes gunning for Oom Paul Kruger, anyway? Cecil J Rhodes I can understand, because he discovered Rhodesia. It was a kak country to start with and it’s even kakker now. But Oom Paul? All he did was discover the Kruger Park and invent Kruger Rands. I think he also stayed in Krugersdorp. That’s what you call real suffering.

The best thing about Oom Paul is his top hat. It makes me smile every time I see it. Maybe that’s why he wore it. He was hoping the British would die laughing. I also quite like his Dopper suit. I have a similar one. I call it my Dopping suit. It’s waterproof. Well, beer-proof. Ten minutes after leaving the pub, I’m completely dry. You should get yourself one.

I must admit that I haven’t been back to Pretoria since I was in the army. Sorry. All practising white South Africans should make a pilgrimage there at least once a year. I tried to defend it, I swear. I was on guard duty for two years and I didn’t sleep once. The city was safe in my hands. But then the darkies were given the vote and I was outnumbered so I sold my rifle for a bottle of brandy and a train ticket back to Durban.

Who were those okes in old army browns standing behind you in Church Square on Wednesday? The one had a beard and a giant boep and the other looked a bit like a car guard. Someone said they were from the Commando Corps. I don’t know about that. They were so pale it looked like they came from the Commando Corpse.

I was a bit disappointed to hear you shouting in English. Oom Paul must have turned in his grave. Did you know he went into exile and died in Switzerland rather than have to learn English? Shame. He must have suffered terribly sitting on his stoep looking out over Lake Geneva with a big lump of hash in his hand-carved pipe and only his male “secretary” to speak mongrel Dutch to.

Are you aware that Oom Paul and Jacob Zuma have a lot in common? Not so much the dancing. But neither of them had an education to speak of. Kruger had 16 children, Jacob has a few more. Kruger believed the earth was flat. Zuma believes he’s a brilliant president.

I liked that moment when Sunette was prowling, cat-like, microphone in hand, snarling about something or other when an indigenous protestor dared to interrupt her. “I have permission to be here and you don’t,” she barked. I don’t think she meant Church Square. I think she was talking about South Africa. And she got permission from that guy in the sky who helped the Voortrekkers win the battle of Blood River.

If Oom Paul had been around on Wednesday, though, I bet he would’ve given her a light whipping with his kudu belt, impregnated her, confiscated her shoes and packed her off to the nearest kitchen to whip up a rudimentary yet filling snack for the four commandos who could be found crouching at his feet at all times.

I thought she demonstrated a particularly fine grasp of white entitlement when she demanded the immediate arrest of Julius Malema. Doesn’t she know there’s a queue? Get in line, lady.

I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about this, Steve, but you and Juju are kindred spirits. You’re both narcissistic sociopaths simply operating from different ends of the political spectrum.

I have a dream that one day you and Julius will fall in love and get married and I, as a lay preacher who hardly ever gets laid, shall bless this magnificent heteromorphic union. That’s the kind of transformation we all want to see.

Julius&Steve-2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

37 thoughts on “An open letter to Steve Hofmeyr

  1. Like wine you get better and better ! If only a sense of humour was mandatory rather than political preciousness. Watched the Comedy Roast of Justin Bieber the other day – like the TV version of what you do with the written word although not always as clever – if only we could stop getting off on self importance and self aggrandisement. You are a tonic Ben ! Jane

  2. Dunno what’s worse – the commando with the boep behind Steve or your lame jokes… both belong back in the eighties… so why don’t you get some new material and spare us the ol’ English oke mocking the Doppers routine hey? Sh%^… its like been done to death hey? Also the whole idea of an open letter? Seriously?

      1. Doppers are not allowed to have sex in the standing position. It leads to dancing.. En moet jou nie aan Focker steur nie – hy’s sommer net n poes.

  3. What I find strange is your attempt at humour. It reminds me of the apologists in the 2nd world war who closed their eyes and mouths when genocide was been perpetuated. You see it starts with erasing history or selectively deciding what history is. Your foul attempt at humour belies your refusal to take a side and stand for what is right. It’s only a statue fortunately there are those who choose to do something about it.

    1. Would be interested to know what you mean by ‘choosing to do something about it”? There are many ways to do or say or write something. Surely we are all apologists in one way or another even if it means ignoring the tramp slumped on the side of the road or children in orphanages. Where does taking action begin or end with the challenges facing this country. I sure dont want to go back to the dark old days of apartheid repression but maybe it has just changed sides and ruling party?

  4. Ben, it was very, very funny and certainly made my day. Steve may have enjoyed it but certainly not Sunette. Don’t see much humour there!

  5. It is particular good idea to break each other down while Rome is burning, an excellent idea to save a civilization.

  6. I get what you are saying, I think, but would suggest that politicians whose sole purpose is to stay in power at all costs, including burning and pillaging civilization, rabble rousing political groupings do a far better job at breaking each other down than this column will ever do. If anything Ben is a steamvent for our darker, foul tendencies and a way to laugh at how ridiculous, ego inflated and sometimes dangerous some of us are at one point or another. And I like his self deprecation – says a lot. Jane

  7. Lekker lag ek nou! Briljant geskryf Ben! “Practising white South Africans” BWHOOO HA HA HA!

    Jy het nou my dag gemaak – Sal iemand asb net die artikel vir Steve, Sunette en hulle volgelinge verduidelik?

  8. Thanks for a Good laugh Ben.

    Old blue eyes, Eugene T, he of spotted underwear fame, would have dropped Jani Alan like a cold vetkeok had he cast his eyes on the svelte Sunette.

    Not seeing the humour in your column belies the same insecurities as those statue abusers!

    Keep dopping and making us laugh.

  9. I wish there would be more like you in sa. Then we would deffinatelly have nobody to blame for what is going on. You have a small life and you are an idiot and please stop writting.

  10. Fokkit Ben, ek lag my gat af vir die klomp dom dose wat te fokken stjoepid is om te verstaan wat satire is nie. Dink jy Steve en Sunette maak n knippie?

  11. Ben, interestingly, you chose a Luftwaffe uniform for poor old Steve. Why, couldn’t you find a black SS uniform that fits?

  12. Ah man so funny I laughed so hard thanks I really enjoyed it, By the Geez flip I could people just lighten up or just crawl back into their black holes, their approach is nauseating yuk.

  13. Hopefully steve will replace eugene terreblance. Seeing that he hangs out with the good ‘ol khaki corpse.
    Let us sing Die Stem.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s