An open letter to Walter “Fuck Cecil” Palmer

Dear Walter,

On behalf of specieists everywhere, I would like to congratulate you for taking down Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe the other day. What kind of name is Cecil, anyway? For that alone he deserved to die. Besides, he was getting way too big for his paws. Apparently he strutted about as if he owned the bush, posing for tourists and even letting children ride on his back. Thank god we have men like you to remind lions of their place – on your study wall.

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Elephant huggers keep referring to Cecil as a “much-loved lion”. This is ridiculous. You can’t love a lion. It says so in the Bible. Next thing you know, people will want to marry lions and have their babies and the world will be overrun with lion-people clawing at each other and fornicating out in the open.

I understand you were hunting with a bow and arrow. Well done. It’s my favourite weapon, too. Do you also live in a cave and wear skins? Do you club your wife over the head and drag her to your bed at night? Of course you do. You are, after all, a fine example of early Paleolithic man.

I see you chose a profession that involves hurting people. Of course you’d be a hunter in your spare time. You spend your days up to your elbows in blood and spittle, patients fighting you off, grabbing you by the throat, kicking you in the nuts. I would also want to kill things if I was a dentist. Things that don’t fight back, obviously.

Reports say you and your guides lured Cecil out of the Hwange National Park by strapping a dead animal to your vehicle. You should have just opened the back door. Cecil would have jumped right in and gone along for the ride. You could have turned around and shot him in the face, saving everyone a lot of time and effort.

Instead, you fired an arrow into Cecil and then spent the next two days looking for him. I’m surprised you didn’t find him sooner. He was, after all, wearing a GPS collar. Perhaps you thought all teenage African lions were wearing funky collars this year.

I hope you offered Cecil a blindfold before executing him. That would have been the Christian thing to do. Obviously you couldn’t offer him a final meal because he’d obviously choose you. But you would, I’m sure, at least have waited until he was dead before skinning him and chopping his head off.

You should mount his head on the wall of your dental practice in Minnesota. That would impress your lady patients and send a message to the guys that you are not a man to be trifled with. If anyone complains, lure them into the parking lot and shoot them full of novocaine. What you do with them after that is your business.

You have quite a record, my man. Apart from all the beasts you have slaughtered, you also landed a hefty fine in 2008 for lying to a federal agent about where you shot a black bear in Wisconsin. I bet you found him drunk and passed out behind a Walmart and couldn’t resist shooting him in the back just for fun.

A couple of years before the bear, you forked out a massive amount to one of your receptionists after she accused you of sexual harassment. What the hell is wrong with your country? Lying to the police, killing animals and fondling the staff are some of the things that make America great. They should have given you a goddamn Congressional Medal of Honour.

Anyway, Walter, old buddy. I’m off to murder an elephant for lunch. I generally use an RPG-7 rocket launcher. The explosion is quite spectacular and the animal hardly ever suffers. You should try it some time.

Murderously yours,

Brigadier Benjamin Bravado

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15 thoughts on “An open letter to Walter “Fuck Cecil” Palmer

  1. Ben, you kill with words. Am not quite sure anymore which is more reprehensible. Don’t give the the “sticks and stones” shit.

  2. Wally boy claims to be a professional and responsible hunter who I can just imagine hiding behind the dried out, stuffed glazed eyed black bear sucking his thumb and bleating “I didn’t know he was such a special lion”. I just want to know who aided and abetted the guy in Zim cos he didn’t do this on his own, where the bucks have gone, who gained from this death, who decided Cecil was the target.
    Of course with human breeding rates there are lots of species at the verge of extinction or being forced into smaller and smaller natural areas or venturing into human settlements where they have little to no chance. At the risk of complete ridicule (who cares hey) I’m going to quote the animal communicator who apparently spoke to Cecil cos the Wally and his ilk couldn’t come up with words like these in a month of Sundays and I don’t care what or who said this – we humans need to wake up to our madness. Unfortunately many will want to stick it to those of us who despise this activity and kill something else – like Jericho.
    “Let not the actions of these few men defeat us or allow darkness to enter our hearts. If we do then we become one of them Raise your vibration and allow this energy to move us forward What happened does not need to be discussed as it is what it is. (not sure bout that!!)
    Take heart my child I am finer than ever, grander than before as no one can take our purity, our truth or our soul. Ever. I am here. Be strong and speak for all the others who suffer needlessly to satisfy human greed. Bring light and love and we will rise above this.” As did Cecil. Jane

  3. according to CNN report Jericho’s tracking collar still operational so for now the lion is still with us – don’t hold your breath!! Jane

  4. Hopefully someone will kill Waters offspring, I would like to watch it happen, after all, he is a Psychopath, and then he can stick their heads on his wall.

  5. Jericho is alive and well, I am so happy for that. Nicely done. Wally says he is a “responsible and ethical hunter” really? I have no idea where those two fit into his idea on hunting. Trophy hunters are neither. He who hunts with a camera is the brave hunter.

  6. Trouble is if we go for this guy then what about those who skin an animal before it is even dead, or fumble with the knife before they slit its throat or the guys who slaughter at the abattoir and are so deadened to suffering themselves that they don’t give a crap for the animal or to those who stuff dogs into crates to suffer monstrously before death releases them or leave a rhino to die a lingering death with its face hacked off. Are we just throwing all our hatred at this guy with a dodgy past and big bucks when a bigger problem exists. I ate meat for many years and occasionally still do and it suits me to ignore where it came from. I am conflicted on this issue but know that where big bucks come into the picture the guys who claim to be ethical hunters are whoring their ethics. Just wondering.

  7. With a little bit of luck this moronic dentist will be extradited to zimbabwe – and spend a night or two in a jail cell there . After that he will be too concerned with his sore bottom to ever think about hunting anything again !

  8. BT You are my hero! Thanks for that. I wonder if they are bringing the dentist news of the world’s reaction. Perhaps there is no internet in his bunker in Missouri. Bests, Greg

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  9. A real man will shoot with a Canon!!
    and then put all the pictures on his dental practice and house walls, and boast about the beauty of our most beautiful lions, rhinos, buffalos, etc…so Mr Walter, you deserve to be hunted with a bow and arrow, lured out of your hiding place with a bimbo! Now prove you are an American man, come back to Zimbabwe so that the goverment law against animal cruelty can deal with you..!! I’m sure a lot of people will put money in the “hat” to pay for your speedy return!!

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