Tag: perfect teeth

Guide to Everything – Part 1 Step 5


Step 5 – Getting to know her (biblical)


This is the reason you were interested in her in the first place. It wasn’t her trendy hairdo or her sparkling eyes. Nor was it her smile or perfect teeth. In fact, it had nothing at all to do with anything above the shoulders, but everything to do with that tight pair of jeans and low-cut blouse. The way her buttocks moved when she walked to the bar. The way her nipples strained against the soft cotton fabric. The way the lasers picked out the belly ring. You wanted to tear her clothes off and ravage her right there on the spot. You were so consumed by images of her naked that you knocked your beer into your lap.

So you have got to know her fairly well and you’ve reached the critical next step. The chances are that your woman reached this stage a while back, but was too polite to mention it. Their mothers trained them not to make the first move.

Like most men, you will have missed the signs that she is ready to take the plunge. Like most men, you find it hard to believe that any woman, let alone one as desirable as this, would voluntarily remove all her clothes and invite you on board. But since she has not yet brought it up (even though she has already stuck her tongue into your ear and accidentally grabbed your crotch while looking for her car keys) you can stand it no longer and have decided to take matters into your own hands.

Once you decide to go for the home run, you need to arrange a time and place. These two elements are crucial and will lay the foundations for your sexual relationship with this woman. The place you choose to commit the act will not only send a powerful signal as to what kind of man you are, but it will also give your paramour a very good idea of just how committed you are to the relationship.

Geoff, a divorced engineer who is now courting a young illegal immigrant from Thailand, said that when it came time to consummate the relationship with his ex-wife, he took her to a rugby game and had it off with her beneath the stands. He said there was something about having ten thousand people cheering and shouting while he went at it. He said he could never have normal sex again after that. And even though his ex-wife went along with his crazy ideas of shagging in cinemas, on beaches, in taxis, behind police cars, against churches, over park benches, it soon began spiraling out of control. She left him soon after he suggested that they run out onto the field during the Sharks vs Stormers game and do it on live television right there on the halfway line.

So remember that by choosing to go all the way, you are tipping your hand in a very big way. You are also setting a standard by which all other acts of love with this woman will be compared. Do not be alarmed. The best you can hope for is erectile dysfunction. This means you will have no performance anxiety the second time around (if there is a second time). You will already have been through the fires of hell, so how much worse can it get? Since she will be expecting the worst, there is no chance of disappointing her even further. But since she is giving you a second chance, the odds are that you have grown even closer, as couples do when they survive terrible things together, like World War Two and erectile dysfunction. You will be more relaxed and hey presto! Even a half-trunk would be an improvement on your pathetic debut performance.

What you do not want to do is perform like a Viagra-crazed stud on your first outing. This sets a dangerous precedent which you will be hard-pressed to match, especially when you go around to her place for a sexy third date only to walk in and find her clipping her toenails, wearing a mud pack and watching Jerry Springer with the sound turned high.

At some point in the proceedings, she may look up at you, or down at you, and utter three words that can throw an unprepared man into the coldest of sweats and the bluest of funks. Deceptively innocent in their brevity, these words are, “I love you.”

If you find yourself in the sack for the first time and you have not yet exchanged these words with her, you should know that they could come at any time. Studies undertaken in a Paris research facility have shown that the words “I love you” are uttered 82.5% more times in bed than anywhere else.

In a previous era (1972-2003), women would not go to bed with a man unless he had given the verbal assurance that he loved her. Apparently this is no longer a precondition. Today’s woman is quite happy to hop willy-nilly from bed to bed without so much as an “I like you”. Well, not all of them. An estimated 53.8% of all women will not drop their knickers until they hear those magic words. This percentage may not sound particularly high, but if you spend most of your formative years playing in the wrong half, life can begin to seem terribly unfair.

Stewie, a born-again anarchist who once went out with a beauty queen from Clocolan, told me that when he was younger he went to bed with a girl he had been dating for a few weeks. He was kissing her feet and trying to tear the condom’s foil wrapping off at the same time when she whispered, “I love you.” Stewie said he froze. He said he had no idea where it came from, but that it rocked him to the core. Her words floated like three little parachutes drifting slowly towards a minefield.

Every man knows there is only one way to respond in this situation. Repeat them and add the word, “too”. And yet Stewie was hopelessly unable to do it. He claimed it was because he was an anarchist and therefore more ethical than most. Perhaps.

I spoke to a lawyer friend about this and he said the right thing to do would have been to lie to her. Just say it. Just say, “I love you, too” and get down to the business at hand. But Stewie was trapped in a terrible place. Naked and unable to lie, he stayed perfectly still, the half-unwrapped condom still clutched between his trembling fingers. The seconds went by as if they were years. It was like a tennis match where the ball suddenly becomes suspended above the net. What to do? Whose shot is it? Stewie was one of the lucky ones. She eventually broke the terrible silence and said, “Is it on yet?” Later he thought she might have said, “Is it in yet?” and he stopped seeing her shortly afterwards.

The point is that reprieves like these are the exception rather than the rule. Women who use the words ‘love’, ‘I’ and ‘you’ in the same sentence do not do so lightly. They expect an answer, even if it is a long rambling one that veers off into existential metaphysics, which is really the only place to go when you find that you cannot respond in the manner expected.

To cut things short, if you want her to fall in love with her, give her an orgasm. Use whatever it takes. Fingers, tongue, prosthetic limbs, vegetables, kitchen utensils, military hardware. Anything. Unfortunately, I am unable to explain in more graphic detail how to accomplish this feat because this is not that kind of book. You will have to check the Religion section of your bookshop if you want more information.


To be continued …