Guide to Everything – Still More Useless Advice

 

Pissoir etiquette

If you are alone and a man walks up and takes the urinal next to you, it is important to make a point of looking at his willy. This shows that you were there first and are in charge of the pissoir. He will get stage fright and will have to stand there pointlessly holding his willy in his hand until you zip up and leave. Again, it is important for you to hold your ground. Do not leave until he does.

Even if you have finished your business, put your willy back in its pouch and stand there. The intruder knows that he cannot leave because that would mean never being able to show his face in those parts again. He also knows that he badly needs to go, but cannot because you are now standing there with your hands in your pockets, making popping noises with your mouth and staring at the ice in the urinal.

Why all the pretty girls shop at Woolworths

This is true. In fact, I don’t think ugs are even allowed in. If you are into ugs, try Shoprite. The place is full of them. Lovely warm women with great characters and faces like dog’s bums. They are often very friendly and smile at me in a non-threatening manner because they are accustomed to men not wanting to have sex with them. But go to Woolworths and you will see the difference.

There, the nip ‘n tuck brigade stalk the aisles with intent. When a woman makes lingering eye contact with you in Shoprite, you can be sure that she is in one of those thousand-yard stares that women get when they are wondering if it’s worth walking all the way to the meat section to see if anything is on special.

A woman who does this in Woolworths is asking to be roundly rogered in the fruit and veg section as soon as management turns his back. This doesn’t happen to everyone, of course.

Don’t think you can buy your groceries at Shoprite and then stop off at Woolworths for a meat pie and a quick shag behind the kosher section. It doesn’t work that way. You have to belong. And believe me, these women know at a glance if you belong.

The simple act of picking up a basket marks you as an outsider. This tells the regular that you either don’t have enough money for a full trolley of luxuries or, even worse, you live alone. And while the married Woolworth’s woman is not morally opposed to the idea of an affair, she would far rather have one with a man who is also living with somebody.

Woolworth’s women prefer to have their food neatly packaged and compartmentalised, just like their men. This is why when the aisles are suddenly invaded by an unruly brute with an unshaven face and shirt hanging out, they become momentarily disorientated. Take advantage of their confusion. Wear reflective sunglasses and follow them about. This won’t do much for you, but it gives them a thrill.

How to appear smarter than you really are

The main thing here is not to talk. Unless you are cross-eyed and dribbling with a traffic cone on your head, it is very difficult for anyone to gauge how intelligent you are merely by looking at you.

Women have the edge, here. Nobody likes a woman who talks too much. Not even other women, but only because it cuts into their voice time. To get a man’s attention, all a woman has to do is smile and drop her eyes. Not physically, of course. No man, with the exception of the odd German, would be aroused by the sight of a woman’s eyeballs rolling about the floor.

Sooner or later, men have to talk. They can carry the strong, silent type thing for only so long. And, unlike women, they can’t get away with flashing a bit of cleavage in lieu of an entire evening’s conversation.

So, if you are a man and you are particularly stupid, make sure you have a few prepared quotes. If you are unable to memorise them, enter them into your cellphone and then, while pretending to check your messages, recite them. Here are a few you may wish to use.

  • Did you now that mental illness is the second leading cause of disability and early death in the US and other developed countries?
  • You have the most beautiful (insert feature) I have ever seen.
  • What do you think Descartes really meant when he said: “Cogito, ergo sum”?
  • Fancy a quick shag?

How to deal with road rage

First, you have to choose a weapon. It’s no good snorting and saying, “Well, obviously.” Many drivers assume that they are prepared simply because they have grabbed whatever comes to hand and tossed it into the back of the car with absolutely no thought to the matter.

I know someone who keeps a pool noodle under his seat. When I asked him the reason, he said it was the first thing he saw in the garage. He claimed that he could disable me within 30 seconds using his noodle. When I laughed he became very defensive and asked if he should go and fetch his noodle. I said that wouldn’t be necessary. I wasn’t about to take any chances. Perhaps he really has mastered a new art of Chinese noodle fighting.

Most people prefer the more conventional tools of the trade. Baseball bats, hockey sticks and pick handles are all popular among the Jetta and Polo set. BMW drivers tend to opt for more exotic implements such as the short-handled Ovambo war club, while Mercedes-owners go for the more technologically advanced but less sporting snub-nosed Beretta.

I know this will offend some people, but I find the baseball bat very clichéd. Every moron with a licence seems to think he is the first to come up with the idea. Personally, I wouldn’t be caught dead assaulting anyone with a baseball bat, even if it is one of those fancy Tungsten ones. Now if you want to talk about a hand carved kliphout knobkierrie from the Lusikisiki area, that’s another matter.

Knowing how to use your tool is almost as important as knowing which one to choose. Even young children think they know how to disable a careless driver with something as crude as a baseball bat. Pick it up and swing, right? Wrong! Like throwing a boomerang, it is all in the wrist action.

You also need to know what kind of injury you are going to inflict. Bludgeoning is passé. It not only leaves a terrible mess behind, but you also run the risk of pulling a muscle. The modern road rager prefers to go for something a little tidier, like a snapped tibia.

There is also something very modern about leaving behind nothing more than a pair of crushed metacarpals. It is almost feng shui in its simplicity.

How to deal with rogue cops

It is important to remember that all cops are rogue cops. The only difference is that some are able to repress their dark side better than others.

The urge to carry guns and handcuffs and interfere in everyone’s lives is not a natural one. This is why it is always a good idea to treat the police with a great deal of circumspection. The hardwiring in their brains is already out of whack and it does not take a great deal of provocation to get them frothing at the mouth and scrabbling for weapons.

Talk to them as you would any other decent human being. The only difference is, do it as if you have a speech impediment. A great deal of fun can be had by talking to a policeman as if you were born with a harelip. Or you may wish to try a falsetto lisp. I have a friend who prefers to reverse his l’s and r’s.  Police are not trained to deal with people who are clearly afflicted with some kind of terrible disorder that makes them sound like a cross between a Chinese transvestite and a steam train.

If you have a car full of people, it is important that they do not burst out laughing as you spew your mangled words in the officer’s general direction. It is best not to play this game if anybody in the car is stoned. I have found that people high on drugs are rarely able to contain their emotions in such situations. And there are few things more dangerous that a constable who realises he is being mocked. So, rule number one is: keep a straight face at all times.

Rogue cops can be dangerously unpredictable. That is why they are called rogue cops. One of the first things you may want to do upon being confronted by a rogue cop is disarm him. This sounds harder than it actually is.

The trick to getting his gun away from him is to get him to swallow six or seven Rohypnols. If you don’t have any Rohypnols on you, I suppose you could use any other industrial strength muscle relaxant. Nine times out of ten, the officer will immediately return to his car and take a long nap. Sometimes he will take a nap right there next to your car in the middle of the street. The decent thing to do is to drag his lifeless body out of the road and make him comfortable on the pavement, or preferably down an embankment where nobody can see him. When he wakes he will feel refreshed and in a better mood, and you will be at home drinking cold beer and watching television. Everyone wins. Unfortunately, the lawyers have informed me that I am unable to give precise instructions on how to get the Rohypnol into the officer.

How to deal with new age faith healers in public conveniences

New Age faith healers go around telling people stories like this: “Nicanor, a lame man, was sitting by the temple when a young boy ran up to him and snatched away his crutches. Nicanor chased after the boy and was cured.” Then they stand back and look at you with a triumphant smile as if to say, “What more proof could you possibly want?”

Many people have had this kind of encounter. Bodger was one of them. Bodger was married to his stepsister’s friend’s cousin and spent some time in London but then came back to South Africa. Bodger said he was standing at the trough in a public urinal in Margate when a man came up next to him and started telling him about the time when the infertile Agameda of Ceoa went to sleep in the temple, whereupon she dreamt of a serpent lying on her belly and five children were later born to her. Bodger is one of those men who find it impossible to pee with another man standing right there, even if he is not saying anything. He said he ignored the man and tried to pretend that he was an engineer at a hydroelectric power station opening up a jammed valve, and was almost there when this stranger started recounting another story of a patient at the ancient Greek health spa, Epidauras. He turned to Bodger and said, “When perchance my penis was hurt, I feared the surgeon’s hands. I was reluctant to entrust my membrum virile to the care and the very great gods such as Phoebus and the son of Phoebus.”

Bodger says he has never been back to a public urinal. He says he goes in the bushes or, if there are no bushes around, he might go between two parked cars. Unless, of course, there is a street light right above him in which case he says he tries to hold it until he gets home.

The point of the story is that New Age healers can be found anywhere. And they do not take kindly to arguments. If, for instance, Bodger had said to this man that Agameda had no business being in a temple alone at night and that it’s not surprising she encountered a lonely “serpent”, it is very likely that the man would have sprayed Bodger’s leg with urine and run off down the street.

Ignoring faith healers rarely works because in their fevered minds, silence is a sign of kinship and it only encourages them to try to reach you on a deeper level.

If you are stuck next to someone who suddenly begins explaining the Tridosha theory to you, it is best that you interrupt and point out that Grigori Rasputin is your spiritual leader and that you are a high-ranking member of the Khlist sect. Tell him you are a practised flagellant and invite him back to your place for a good, healthy whipping. That should distract him long enough for you to reach the safety of a crowd.

How to cure your partner of jealousy

Jealousy is the strangest of all the crippling neuroses we have at our disposal. It is a destructive emotion that rears its viperous head in many different forms.

Take penis envy, for instance. For a lot of men, this form of jealousy manifests itself when they find themselves standing at the pissoir alongside a man who is hung like a wildebeest. What these men don’t realise, however, is that when Sigmund Freud spoke of penis envy he had something else in mind. Freud had a theory that the anatomical differences between the sexes lead every girl to envy every boy his possession of the penis. And as she grows up, her wish to possess a penis turns into a wish to possess a man as the carrier of a penis. This, in turn, transforms itself into something even more complex involving the holding of grudges against other women for their possession of men (and their penises, I presume). Freud was clearly out of his mind.

Modern psychology proposes a number of different ways of curing your partner of jealousy, but I have always found the most effective method to be the .357 Magnum, although these days most women prefer the less cumbersome but equally effective 9mm Glock. It looks like a toy but the women I have spoken to swear it works like a charm. One well-placed shot and, voila, no more jealousy.

 

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