God is a counter-evolutionary

I don’t know whether it was a dream or if I read it somewhere – I think I must have read it because I have lived in South Africa all my life and only have nightmares, not dreams – but I recall something about the education department wanting to stop teaching evolution to Grade 7 pupils because the concept was too difficult for them, and their teachers, to grasp.

I couldn’t agree more. Personally, I can think of nothing worse than having to stand in front of a room full of children and try to explain to them that we are descended from apes. Apes! Can you imagine? Children being what they are (dirty-minded, contumacious little ingrates aside), their first question would undoubtedly be, “Why?”

This is where my heart goes out to the teachers. They are trained to dispense knowledge, facilitate learning and nurture critical thinking skills and it is grossly unfair to expect them to be able to explain that we are a species called Homo something-or-other that developed as a result of genetic mutation and natural selection over a period of several millennia.

Were they to even attempt it, the reaction would be predictable. One of the children, and there is always one, will shout: “Jeffrey’s a homo!” There will be mass hysteria and the curly-haired, sensitive kid sitting in front will be pelted with used condoms and crack pipes.

Evolution can be a very disruptive subject to teach. It is highly suggestive and riddled with innuendo. How mortifying, then, for a professional pedagogue to have to tell her pupils that their ancestors slept with apes. Exposure to such filth can cause permanent damage to an impressionable young mind.

Apart from being a pack of pornographic lies, evolution is way too complicated for the human mind to comprehend. It would be far simpler for the teachers to explain that God, who needs no explanation, made Adam and Eve six thousand years ago. If any troublemakers in the class are not satisfied with this perfectly adequate explanation of our origins, all the teacher need do is draw a basic diagram showing how God made Adam from dust and then made Eve from one of Adam’s ribs. No further elucidation is needed.

Teachers should, however, warn their pupils not to try this at home. If I know boys, many of them will want to use their ribs to make girls in the privacy of their own bedrooms. At that age, it’s a lot easier and probably less painful than befriending a ready-made one.

Having said this, I should point out that I am not opposed to the idea of exposing children to different points of view – as long as they have nothing to do with the discredited and impossibly baffling theory of evolution.

I am a big fan of creationism. However, there’s a problem in that it only takes three or four minutes to teach, sometimes quicker if the teacher disallows questions. That leaves a lot of time to fill the lesson – hence my offering of an alternative theory to teach the grade sevens.

Mine is similar to the theory of intelligent design except that I believe our designer to be not particularly bright. He only has Himself to blame, really. He would be a lot smarter if He spent more time reading and less time drinking and smoking weed and staring off into space.

In short, we believe an Electric Catfish called Roger created the universe. Not deliberately, of course. He was three sheets to the wind when the accident happened. Whatever it was that he dropped made such a big bang that He was rendered stone deaf, which is why we forgive Him for never answering our prayers.

Even though my church has thousands of members, if not hundreds, it is unlikely that many of you will have heard of us. Catfishists worship clandestinely because there are people out there who wish to harm us. They say there is no evidence to support our beliefs, but the truth of the matter is that, even though we weren’t around when Roger inadvertently created the universe, we have written quite a thick book – The Holy Barbel – which explains everything.

As an act of faith and to silence the skeptics, we are offering one million rand to anyone who can provide scientific proof that Roger the Electric Catfish did not create all creatures great and small, plus a bunch of other stuff like volcanoes and bananas.

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6 thoughts on “God is a counter-evolutionary

  1. Flipping lovely. The sketch is eloquent in its simplicity – but a barbel doesn’t have feet? ( Have committed the sacrosanct violation of hooking a few of Roger’s disciples myself. They don’t make for good eating.)
    Now can you write something about Athol Fugard.

  2. Dear Mr Trovato Sir,

    At last my role is recognised. Thank you. But being an Intelligent Designer how did I fuck it up so badly? OK I did the rib bit, but what made me create willies and such, and how did my creations (who I certainly did not endow with intelligence) figure out how to use them? I mean did you ever slice yours open and see how complicated it is, and think how potentially subject to erectile dysfunction? (That one I got right with some animals, like cats, by putting a real bone inside so it’s always ready; they’re also always taking them out and polishing them with their tongues, which humans haven’t learned how to do yet.) I mean to get them clean, stop that nasty thinking.

    Even though there are minor flaws in my Opus, I appreciate your recognition of me as having set the whole sparkling sorry mass of shite in motion.

    Yours in Genesis

    E. Catfish

  3. So two rocks collided creating life… There was no life until two massive chunks collided and then viola… the first signs of life. Well obviously! We can say this with certainty all these millions of years later through the study of the few fossils dating back to oh ± this era, and ± that era. And the probability of blah blah. Sounds just about as silly as believing in a god, no?

    Not convinced? Consider emotions – sadness, happiness, forgiveness and love in all its complex forms – all from a collision and a few million million years. How did time possibly create emotion or was the wiggly fish thing preloaded in the big bang? Pull the other one scientists. Fungis on the other hand – probably been here as long as Mr Fish thing considering he had to eat something, yet evolution was happy to leave them as simple plants whilst we become mega smart.

    Fair enough the bible omits dinosaurs but back then, I don’t think people were too interested in brushing sand layer by layer as much as trying to survive. Is there any scientific documentation dating back that we can compare notes on? Take the bible as documentation and our understanding of the world to the best of our ability given the period in time, then evolution and the bible are 2 beliefs that should both be respected and more than likely go hand-in-hand. Much like those violent types who like to pretend their gods are better than other gods should also learn to respect one another. Hey Muslim – why did your awesome god create a white man. And hey white man, when did your divine god create a Muslim?

    Holes people. Wherever I look. Gaping million year holes.

    The truth particularly for the sceptics surely lies in the fact that right here is an article written by a fellow sceptic, and that in itself is a belief in something, and that something is surely bigger than the Electric Catfish.

    And if you just plain don’t believe in anything, so be it, but then rather spare people your nothings than add to the muddle.

  4. Dear Mr Ricky,

    You show a significant lack of respect to Mr Catfish and his great disciple, Mr Trovato. I find this offensive to my entire belief system, and would like to throw a barbel at you, if I could find one. There must be one around here somewhere. Mr Catfish may have got a lot of things wrong, but that’s just how he is. He admits his mistakes, and that’s all anyone can really ask of an incompetent creator.

    I feel desperately sorry for the lost souls with no ability to believe the truth, and I pray for them to find the barbel every night. Preferably under their pillow, as is the preferred method of delivery by Mr Catfish. I will include you in my prayers, when thinking about fish.

    Your sister in Catfishism, whether you like it or not,

    Jingo

  5. I see your point. Certainly an area i overlooked. So the catfish vit seems safe to say invented religion at some point to justify his own existence?! Why? He could have kept it simple.

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